we're in kansas now

So intern year has started, and I never got around to transitioning from this blog to another. Even though I'm on a very light month right now, there are still a lot of competing priorities for my free time to balance. I've been focused on doing a lot, rather than processing, which is too bad because this month has been great in its emphasis on giving things thought. I'm planning on backtracking short thoughts on each past day of this rotation, which I've never actually done because it seems so daunting to go back while continuing to move forward, but I don't want to forget these feelings.

Before that--this is a halfhearted effort to wind down this blog, which contains the first of my public journals from college and then a transition to this space sometime during med school. This makes me think of an ongoing effort to make my new home home by burning a candle I've sentimentally kept for several years. It's encased in a jar, and I'd like to fill the jar with other sentimental keepsakes, and to do so I have to burn the candle inside down. I've been taking showers by candlelight, falling asleep to candlelight, cooking dinner to candlelight. Candles burn for a long while.

At one point I wanted to write about graduation, which is now about two months past. Even as I get excited for them, I never like my graduations. They're always rushed, inadequate, and leave more emptiness than fulfillment. It's also rained on my last two of three. It's no one's fault really that graduations are this way. There's just too much to be contained in that amount of space. This year during graduation, I got laryngitis and lost my voice. This actually really depressed me. I'm grateful though that my kind advisor opened her home to my family and me, and that I was sick in a comfortable home. And for my awesome friend who drove out to this home to bring me lunch and chamomile tea. Dealing with the stresses of physically moving and emotionally graduating, on top of feeling drained of the energy and resource needed to deal with them, was pretty crappy. My family was very supportive, but I don't think families have a sense of what graduation is for the graduate, and I felt a little alone in the difficulty of those moments.

But, I'm reminded that while graduation is supposed to be representative of what comes before, what I take isn't that representation but the actual substance of what came before. After the laryngitis, I developed what I've grown to habitually develop after any sort of cold--a chronic cough that keeps me up at night. This particular one was the worst I'd ever had; it could have me dry heaving, and coughing for an hour straight, and in physical pain from the strain. It's mostly gone now, though it'll come back in lesser degrees when I'm tired or worn or anxious.

In some ways, I've adjusted to this being the way graduations are meant to be (now that I'll never have one again)--painful in visceral ways, your body aware of a real movement, and feelings that overwhelm to the point that you can't digest any one sense. It's a lot, and instead of forcing yourself to handle it, it can be easier to let yourself be vulnerable to being overtaken. And grow more comfortable with the very gradual falling into place of things.

I've had to adjust to giving a lot of things more time. Moving, and settling. I didn't find an apartment until I started internship, and it stressed me for a little while to not be set up before I started work. But M said, why not just let it happen slowly. And since I didn't have much practical choice in that, I let go of my personal need to have everything in place before starting this new stage. Sometimes things don't align at the edges, and so I'm grateful for every step in home-making even as it coincides with a step in doctoring. It was only a couple days ago that I recycled all my boxes. I still don't have a dresser, so my clothes are piled in the closet and across the shelf that lines my room. But I do have plants and a couch and chair and dining table and one picture hung. The day after I moved in, I realized that a shower curtain was a real necessity, and I set up my bathroom soon after that, with my favorite item in the apartment so far, a rug that's green soft in color and texture and feels so good under my feet after a shower.

Also, it took me a long time and much neurotic decision-making to get this apartment. The housing market was even more insane than usual this year. I thought hard about a couple apartments; one I finally decided against, another that I decided for but didn't get. In classic this-is-my-life, the one I finally got is amazingly better than either of those. So when I worry about living among a lot of half-unpacked things, I look at where those half-unpacked things are and feel extremely lucky for this space.

My apartment is on Kansas Street. When I first learned the address, I had a funny feeling that the fitting name would make it mine...in the way that I think both that things work out in a cosmic sense and that I make it seem to cosmically fit. But after all those thoughts about how coming home hasn't really felt like home, it feels right to say, well I actually AM in Kansas now. It's that feeling that this former home that feels foreign to me is now my home again. I named my wireless network NewHaven, and all these havens are congealing and I know this melding process takes time to seal. I think it's this stitching that keeps everything so close, but leaves me open to what's coming.

So--new blog.

san francisco

Almost everyone loves San Francisco; there are a lot of ideals, and there is an incredible unique energy. I'm not that unique; I love it too. But to be fully honest, I have to acknowledge the cons of actually living in the place. At times they can be substantial. The worst: commuting makes everyone mean. Drivers, pedestrians, bikers. They (we) are simultaneously impatient and slow, and everyone's out for themselves. This city is small, and packed. There's no easy way to drive through it. Five or six miles, which is all it takes to go from one end of the city to the other, will take you an hour to drive. Public transportation isn't good. Being a bike-friendly city doesn't mean it's safe to bike, and it's hard for beginners to compete with aggressive, entitled bikers who know that their gear intimidates you.

Close to worst is parking, and the inevitability of being ticketed, often and highly. You'll see as many meter maids as bikes, and this just doesn't seem as friendly as California is supposed to be (an inconsistency that makes the commuter mentality even more frustrating). There are some other bad things about the city (the insanely high cost of living, the cold in some pockets), but nothing compares to the problem of getting around.

But. When you do get around, it is incredible.

One of our intern orientation events was a scavenger hunt around the city. Over the course of a few hours, we sampled flavors with eats, sights, airs, and streets. It was a gorgeous sun-drenched evening; when we started out around 6 PM it felt like early afternoon, and as we finished near 9 it felt like dusk.

We drove along the Embarcadero for beautiful views of the Bay, and the Bay Bridge. We sped down to the Mission district, where we stopped at our leader's house to pick up a pinata (which was on our list, and which she happened to have for a birthday party). We walked through the Mission to Dolores Park, a grassy knoll smattered with families and couples with dogs and teenagers smoking weed. We walked to Bi-Rite Creamery, and had salted caramel ice cream, which felt rich and light and full all at once. I had mine on a cone and we sat in the park relishing the sweet. Then we strolled, looking for tacos among all the Mexican food in the Mission. We decided on a place called Tacolicious, a trendy place packed with happy hour goers. We ordered, and went in search of murals while the food was being made. A few blocks away, a corridor of colorful murals was tucked away, with different styles and sentiments poured on brick. Got so lost in the neighborhood that I forgot about the tacos, and when I found ourselves back there, it was like a surprise to gather fresh, hot tortilla and real-spiced salsa. We walked for awhile, and found a "public parklet," a random, cozy seating area "open to the public" with a booth and stools. There we devoured tacos with a million flavors packed into a handful of food--mine had the sweet and tangy of mango, spice of jalapeno and other peppers, citrus of lime, and natural ocean taste of yellowtail. Full, we drove our way to the other end of the city, to Golden Gate Park. Where we saw bison, waterfalls, and gardens, all along a five minute stretch of road. As we left from the opposite end of the garden, we made our way to Ocean Beach and along the ocean to Sutro Baths, the ruins of an indoor swimming pool complex, now swimming in the ocean. Surrounded by mountains,greenery turned black from silhouettes, pinks in the sky and glassy water from changing light. From there we ordered Chinese take-out by phone, and sped to the Richmond (SF's second Chinatown) to pick up home-made dumplings. We gathered our list of items seen, eaten, experienced and met with everyone at an Irish pub in Haight for drinks and sharing.

So much makes it hard to navigate, but it's not lost on me how much there is.

it's okay

This transition hasn't been too easy so far. It hasn't been crazy difficult, but in all honesty there are waves of anxiety that even when interrupted by calmness contribute to a general undercurrent of discomfort. So it's been important for me to actively breathe after each frustration, remember context, and appreciate. There's been a lot of opportunity to practice this...

I haven't found a place to live. Last week, my first day of physically looking at places threw me into a window of depression that lasted until I decided to block out reality and visit M in La Jolla, stat. That was a beautiful time. During it, I missed getting a place that was the most ideal of what I've seen so far. I was pretty disappointed when I first heard that I didn't get it, mainly due to not being in town (by a matter of one day; this market is even crazier in experience than in rumor). But before that, I'd been anxious deciding over another place. Finding the second one, even though I didn't get it, made it more clear that I was right to pass on the first one. And makes me more open to taking things in stride. It sucks to be starting work next week not having settled into a place yet, but I know it's just a matter of patience.

I don't know a whole lot of what's going on, knowledge-wise and logistics-wise. Our first two days of orientation were BLS and ACLS training, which required an online course to pass before taking the actual class. There was a pre-assessment test, simulations of a dozen patient scenarios that you have to repeat until you manage them correctly, and an exam at the end. I failed all of these horribly multiple times, which fed my general sense of being more unprepared than most, because I've spent the majority of the last two years outside of medical knowledge. But at the actual orientation there was a general consensus that the training had been pretty hard, and I reminded myself that in groups I'm not that different, in either good or bad ways. And also that even if it was harder for me, that's okay too.

Because the online stuff took longer than I anticipated, I was running late to the actual training, which also flustered me for being out of it for my very first day. But I learned how to maneuver the crowded streets of SF more easily, and managed to be only a little late. And when I got there, a nice man who'd retired and was now volunteering at the VA, transporting vets to and from the parking lot to other areas of the hospital, offered to drive me on his cart from the parking lot to where I needed to go. Even though this roundabout drive actually took longer than walking, it was nice to be taken somewhere when I'd just been worrying about figuring things out. And the next day, when I returned to the VA for the second day of training and again running late because I hadn't accounted for how long it would take to find parking, another nice man let me park in a non-parking spot because he knew I wouldn't be able to find an official one. I haven't been very on top of the logistics of these things--I didn't plan for parking, I didn't even know I had to do the ACLS training until a couple days before, and I'd forgotten to check my residency email where apparently a lot of information has been sent. I also lost all of my ACLS online training after I'd completed it. I've sent our administrator no less than a dozen emails, with questions that had often been already answered in previous emails, and with questions about other mistakes (one being losing my ACLS online training), so have concretely established this sense that I don't know what's going on. I noticed that I started becoming like this at the beginning of med school...having things work out in unexpected ways for me in med school made me unconsciously loosen a little of my desire to be in control of everything, and I think that's been a good thing overall. After all, if I didn't know, more than one of my classmates definitely did. In the beginning of a transition like this one, it can be uncomfortable to be out of the loop, but I still got my BLS/ACLS certifications, and I'll figure it out eventually. While I don't think I should drop all efforts to be in the know, I'm also learning to be more comfortable with not being on top of every single thing.

Which brings me to other things I can't control, with the top one currently being the traffic in this city. The drivers here are both extremely impatient and extremely slow, which I don't understand. I find that traffic is the best practice for calming techniques, and even interpersonal relations. I have to remember not to judge too harshly because I'm not the best driver either and I make lots of mistakes like having to switch lanes at inopportune times and interrupting others' lane spaces when trying to get around something. At the same time, I haven't been able to resist getting mad and honking when someone has done something clearly inconsiderate. Turning left to get onto the bridge, when I clearly have the right of way to go straight, just because you're impatient to get on a jammed road? That one really blew my mind. It also made me think that when we're behind, we're so eager to gain inches. Not to say that those inches don't add up; I think sometimes that they do, but maybe are not the worth the expense of principle. Frustration with traffic led me to public transportation, which led to another, unexpected level of frustration that also took some active effort to calm through.

So I haven't felt this underlying anxiety about a phase in my life for awhile. I think a big part of it is that I'm used to things generally working out. I've been incredibly lucky in that sense. But remembering in retrospect is tricky, and I think that a few other factors contribute to my memory of the past. One, I've forgotten the degree of logistical and emotional anxieties. Two, the positives overwhelm the negatives in my memory. Which lead me to now. These anxieties will smooth themselves and in the midst of them I'm still incredibly lucky. I have a luxurious apartment with gorgeous views to stay in while I'm looking for a place, a brother who lets me stay there and supports me through the difficulties. I have a few old friends in the area who look out for me in such thoughtful ways, from seeking out my company when I'm down to checking out apartments for me. I've already met some wonderful people in my program. I live in the Bay Area, and the San Francisco June has been unusually, unbelievably warm and sun-full. M sent me a birthday gift of a framed print of Andrew Wyeth's Master Bedroom: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/17/arts/design/17deba.html?pagewanted=all

Before I left La Jolla for graduation, I wanted to spend a little time objectively describing artwork to M, an activity we once did in med school and I found to be useful in sharpening observations. This is one I chose to describe to him; it was new to me at the time, and as we talked about it, we discovered an affection for it. For the simple lines and sentiment. It exudes a calm that's fitting at a time when I'm anticipating--when I don't have a bedroom yet but now have something to place in it when I do. I'm so lucky for this feeling, and for him.

And I get to start.

expectations

Being back in the Bay Area feels less like a familiar flow and more like a sudden dislodging. The feeling arises mostly from a disconnect between the immediacy of expectations and the slow buildup of adjustment. Being home should feel right; graduating should feel like an achievement; starting residency at the place I've been striving towards for a vaguely long period of time should feel exciting. These are the expectations, the kind that everyone reinforces with congratulations and questions of what's next, and the kind that I personally build with the need to affirm my decisions and values (because if I'm not happy, I probably did something wrong, right?). There are waves of rightness, like when I drive over the Bay Bridge or when the moon's so bright it lightens the black ocean at night. But honestly, over the last week as I've been looking for a place to live in the area I grew up, and preparing for the orientation to the career I've been educated for through my twenties--things don't fit.

  I'm pretty surprised and bummed by this, but I momentarily escaped some of it by visiting M in La Jolla, and in conversation with him and thought on my own, I've realized that these feelings feel bad due to some faulty expectations.

  *The expectation that because home remains in one place, my relationship to it would be similarly stable. Growing up in the Bay Area, I couldn't imagine another place I'd rather return to after sufficient exploration of the world. While living on the East Coast, I loved it. I haven't met many people from California who love the East Coast as much as I do. But I always assumed I could leave it for California, seamlessly. In fact, it was the move from West to East that was seamless--the ties to MA and CT and the state I drove in & through, were woven quietly and gradually, and as they were stitched I didn't notice that this tightness was drawn from loosening ties to my childhood home. The bulk of my development, at least as I feel it now, came from the places and relationships of the East Coast. Coming back to California, I expected only the renewal of my old connections to the place but instead there was an abrupt pull of my attachments to the other coast, without anything to immediately replace it.

  *The expectation that the end goal of a process should feel better than the process. The excitement of being a doctor and not a med student hasn't hit me. I was excited on the day of graduation, but somehow I think has that more to do with it being a part of medical school than with it signifying my transition to doctorhood.

  *The expectation that the right decisions should feel right, right away. My decisions to pursue this residency at this place seemed to form naturally over the course of who I am and who I'd like to become. It seemed to me that the result should follow a naturally free-flowing course that just fits. Instead, I find myself having a lot of doubts about whether I'm right for this, whether it's right for me. I feel clumsy.

  Looking over these, some things come to mind. All of these unfulfilled expectations have the potential to seize me with self-doubt and fear...and they have. But recognizing a couple mistakes on my part lessen this power to frazzle me--mainly, that I shouldn't expect so much, and so quickly. Just because these things haven't happened doesn't mean they won't happen at all, and when they have happened in the past they've always taken time. I've just never been as frazzled by waiting, because in the past I wasn't waiting for them to happen. They just did. I've been so spoiled by things falling into place that this time around, I actively expected them to.

  I suppose that's a part of accumulating experiences and having bases of comparison. I know that this step up to MD is seen as a culmination of what's come before, but I think that maybe the best bet is to step into it with a certain blankness, and openness to what might happen instead of what's supposed to happen.

moving (again)

So the last time I blogged was when I was in San Francisco, where M and I spent a month after our cross country trip, enjoying the luxuries of my brother's apartment while living a simple life of sustenance. Now I'm in San Francisco again, back in my brother's apartment, while I look for a place of my own to occupy for the next few years. I don't know if the blogging recurrence after a long hiatus is due to the common city of SF and place of this apartment, or to the common feeling of rest after having traveled far, or my own manufactured value of commonalities, but I think that regardless of source there's some connection.

It feels strange to be somewhere that I'll be for the next three years, instead of the next three months. This past year was all motion, where feeling settled was being in one place for one or two months. At the end of last summer M and I were in the process of settling into commuting between Long Island and New Haven, which lasted a few weeks before we decided to pack up and move to California, which we did a couple weeks later. That fall, we spent a month and a half figuring out in the morning that night's place, which varied from the woods to a stranger's couch to our car. After that, the October of steady nights in San Francisco felt good. We took another road trip through the Northwest, seeing northern California, Oregon and Washington while I went on interviews. We spent Thanksgiving with my family in Denver. We flew back to the East Coast together, me for interviews and him to spend Christmas with his family. I flew back to California to spend Christmas with mine, and he joined me for New Year's. We then packed up, leaving most of our camping gear in storage in Fremont, and took another road trip down to San Diego to start 2012 there. The plan then was to find a place for M to stay while I went to Uganda for January and February, but we had little luck in finding a place. We spent a couple weeks there, again couchsurfing and sometimes resorting to motels, once setting up a futon in a kind stranger's kitchen. I had to fly to Uganda before M was settled in San Diego. He eventually found a non-ideal place, while I settled into the dust of Uganda. After Uganda I visited him briefly in San Diego, and then returned to New Haven for a mandatory class, the last of my med school requirements. At the end of that period, I matched into residency at UCSF on March 16 and the day after, flew back to San Diego to spend my last two months of medical school living next to the ocean with M. In mid-May, I flew back to New Haven for the last time, to graduate. The day after graduation, I started yet another drive cross country, to return here.

I journaled a little during our big road trip, a lot during Uganda, and I wrote intermittently while I was in San Diego. But I spent most of my time in the process of something, instead of processing. And per usual, there's little transition to unravel all that's come before. But I think that in the midst of all this moving around, now that it's time to be in one (physical, at least) place, I will work slowly at wrapping up this blog, and moving onto another.