comfortable

How did it happen that I have two weeks left to wrap up a year's worth of work, to soak up my beloved apartment, to pack for travel and to prepare for school so that I'm not swamped when I get back in August? No matter how I try, I can't finish all the little things I thought I could do with my "free time." I've put a whole lot of photos in albums, but then I accumulated new ones this year. I've read a few books that make me want to get more. I've amassed much new music that I'd like to put in exactly the right playlists, but the minutes elude me. My email drafts folder grows by the day. I haven't written in my paper journal in ages; this past year, when I did write in it, it was when I was moody, not so much a thoughtful mood, just a moody mood. It's full of the same stuff. I regret that, because this year was so full of new, nuance.

This past Saturday I went to a graduation party for a girl who just graduated from my high school. We played together as kids, but I haven't spoken to her in years. She was salutatorian and is going to UCLA, and wants to major in environmental science. How odd to think of that time, so long ago. Notre Dame is very much the same and different too. We talked about teachers who were still around, Spirit Week, college applications. I sometimes missed high school while I was in college, but I haven't missed it in a long time (especially now that I miss college). As I told her how much she had to look forward to in college, I remembered how nice that summer before college was--so much possibility, so much excitement, so little anxiety, because my scope of the future back then ended with college. I didn't think past that, and it was great. At the same time that I grew nostalgic for that phase, I realized that I didn't want to be back there. I'm incredibly happy to be where I am right now, and I've liked--am grateful for--growing up a little. I love how much fuller life has gotten through experience and story. Like kids going into college, us kids going out have so many choices and opportunities ahead. We're in a scarier place than we were back then and somehow that's becoming less something to lament and more something we've gained privilege to.

The carefreeness of my weekends this past year in a very small way recalls a little of that stress-free summer before college (I doubt anything will ever be as completely thought-free and that's okay), but I've appreciated it differently. This past weekend was a lotta Steph & San Francisco. I saw her classmates perform classical music at the Alumni House and it was a nice excuse to dress up. Her friends are a warm, talented group of people. We went on another inNout & Krispy Kreme run afterwards, and spent quite a bit of time watching the donuts being made on the conveyer belt. I think I felt actual pain when they threw away a deformed donut that we'd been watching from its inception through its development. Such sugar coated goodness, never to be eaten! On Sunday I met up with Steph and Albert (silly kids!) again to go to the Haight-Ashbury Street Fair, which was quite the packed event. We were basically a herd marching slowly down the few blocks of Haight, and it was lively as outdoor affairs usually are. People peered at us from their balconies on the apartments lining the street, and we ate overpriced mediocre Chinese food while sitting on steps. There were bands at both ends of the fair, and various troupes moving from one end to the other. Everything was funky and hippie and colorful. It was a sunny cold day but warm within the cocoon of crowd.

Walking back, we somehow decided that we should build a fire in my fireplace and make s'mores. So we stopped at Steph's apartment so she could change and Albert could rest on her futon, then to Albert's apartment so he could get books and let me borrow his awesome backpack for my Asia trip, then finally to mine. We hesitated for a bit, unsure if the chimney was "open." When we finally went for it our fire went out pretty quickly, but we persevered and soon it was glowing. Christmas in June! The sunlight pours through the windows through the white curtains in my living room, so the room was awash in yellow sun and orange fire and the three of us were mesmerized. Then we skewered our marshmallows on fondue sticks and melted them atop le petit ecoliers. There was also dark chocolate with almonds. All the while my "comfortable" playlist provided a musical backdrop. I packed a little, they read a little; mostly we lolled and lazed around. An old friend, a new one; a city from my past where I've made my home of the present.

These things make me want to write because I want to both bottle it up and keep it in me, and to pass it around and make it tangible and living around me. There's much more I've wanted to write and more I will want to, and more photo albums I'll want to make, and more little things to do and make, but nothing can really capture everything. So you might as well carry it around with you.