my one thing

I remember Aud talking once about how everyone is really good at one thing and she didn't know what her one thing was, and her roommate told her that she was good at people. That's a good thing to be good at. I, on the other hand, am not good at people. I'm not the greatest conversationalist and as of now I'm only good at connecting to a certain slice of people. I can talk to people relatively well at first meeting, depending on who it is, but for some reason these don't often turn into longer connections unless the person is the type to connect well with a lot of people in which case the success is much more on their end.

Everyone has this dilemma, I think, of pinpointing one thing; except it's harder for some than others. I am passionate about words, but I'm not spectacular at making them. Like, I could never do it for people who don't already know me in some form. Not good at poetry or fiction, because I think straight reality's hard enough for me to digest. On the other hand, I liked journalism but I couldn't commit to reality to that extent. I can write a decent English essay, but I would never survive in grad school and I'm not good at articulating my arguments aloud. I relish in the detail of words but much of it goes unnoticed by me unless I'm pushed to examine it. So there it is, I can't be a writer or a critic or scholar. I don't mean that I won't seek ways to write and read in the future, only that it's not "my thing."

I love music, but I'm mediocre at making it and I don't have the ear for technique or the nuances. No amount of practice would have made me great at the piano, because I dislike counting beats and even if I did get good at playing, I would never be able to distinguish keys or catch a melody well enough to play it without sheet music. I barely understand acoustics which is why I never know how to describe a band to someone who hasn't heard them.

A lot of the things I was passionate about in college--Project Health/SPI, thesis, my editing job, ASK--I never threw myself fully into. I still feel guilty about how much more I could have done for ASK, how few families really got anything from me because I always had something to study for. I hate that what was supposed to be the culmination of my English studies in college was nowhere near my best writing because I had to take the MCAT (which I didn't even do well on). I regret never getting into the specifics of the Summer Policy Institute--not learning more about the speakers and what they did, how I could incorporate their ideas in future work--because I was so entrenched in summer physics. I'm not always even that good at balance, because the sacrifices I make to have two things can make neither one really worth it.

There are other things, some of which don't seem like anything but that I find indicative. I like some of the photographs I've taken, but that's a result of taking so many that a few inevitably come out okay, and being in beautiful environments rather than anything I give to them. I'm not Victo, who has art as her thing. I'm pretty neat and organized, but I also spent five hours locating my Coachella tickets the night before leaving for it and I am no Melkis who knows how to use office supplies like no other and has a togetherness as her thing. I do my job well and I work hard, but I'm not meticulous and quick-thinking enough to be really excellent at it. Though since I've been training a new person, it's been easier for me to see how much I've learned this year, but still, it's not my thing.

I know it doesn't really matter if you have one "thing" or what it is, but it matters to yourself a little bit. So I was thinking about how I value stories, and how that underlies everything that I love. I'm not good at making them or telling them, but I can be good at finding and listening to them. Sorry, this is the only thing I could think of. If you want to tell me something, I'll listen and I'll remember, likely a good deal of it including how and where you said it. I'll try to understand the thread of your story and it will most always interest me. This is not to say that I'll be very good at figuring stories out. For all the ones I read and watch, I'm sometimes still surprised by conventional plot twists and while I can often figure out which character is going to live or die in a plot, there's a whole lot that's still new to me each time. But I'll read your essays and listen to you talk about those things we all randomly think about during the day but rarely speak aloud. I won't be the best at science or be a remarkable med student or make any great discoveries or really create social justice, but I'll collect the stories. I know it's not that great of a thing if I don't do anything with them, but I'm still working at it.