stress rash

When I started my first month in the hospital as an intern, I developed a rash in multiple areas of my body. I'm pretty convinced that it was from the stress of the work, though at one point I was also worried like every other intern working at the county hospital about having gotten scabies from a patient. Luckily this wasn't the case, but this went on for several months and my skin started to darken where I'd been scratching a lot--over my back, thighs and ankles. I went to the dermatologist who didn't tell me much other than to use steroid cream to prevent scratching, because the darkening could be permanent, and that actually if the darkening hadn't gone away by now it was likely to be permanent. This bummed me out, as probably my favorite thing about my superficial self is my skin tone. But I didn't pay much attention since I don't see my back much, which is where most of the changes were. Recently I've noticed that my skin has returned to normal, so I suppose it just takes awhile to recover.

But in the meantime, as I near the end of my residency and just finished the two hardest months of my training, with 30 hour days and living like a vampire while working nights, I've re-developed this stress rash in a lot of the same places. I'm trying my best to de-stress and recover, but it takes time and I've continued to have the rash despite now being on a normal, human schedule. It makes me think a lot about well-being, and the importance of active self-care. Because during those hard months, you just tough it out and think that it will be over soon, but the effects can be sustained even after the struggle. Your skin might permanently change color from what you did to yourself for a short time.

As someone who does a lot of self-reflection and active planning, I tend to think that I can surmount most things with lists and motivation and hard work. As a result I often take on difficult things feeling like I can get through it and stay balanced and normal, be in perfect shape emotionally, physically, concretely and philosophically. Residency has humbled me a lot, showing me that it's important to be mindful of what I take on and how it's affecting me, because no one can balance their lives during residency. There are many moments where it will be pose barriers to your health, relationships, and self-image.

Moving forward, I think the most important things are: 1) treat your mind and body well after the rough times, to allow it to recover, and 2) look back and see the worth of the sacrifices, because despite the difficulties there is much, much good. So as I have faith that my skin will heal, I also know that any scars are remnants of my battles--battles with some false pretenses and empty goals, but also with deep learning and real effects on other people and my own growth.