the unnecessary

One of my favorite Shakespeare plays, and the only one that's brought me close to tears while only reading and not watching it, is King Lear. After reading it for class I thought about that line "O reason not the need!" for a long time and it comes back like all the touching ones do. King Lear was asking his daughters for more knights and they keep telling him he doesn't need these things, and he's half-crazy at this point and he begins rambling about need and beggars and so on. Professor Parker talked about the distinction between humans and animals being that humans enjoy, cultivate and "need" things that they don't really need for their basic survival. How the things that are really important to us are things that are "superfluous." Life is one thing, and human life is another.

The buzz topic of the recent past is happiness. When were we happy and unhappy, and why. For my birthday last year Henry gave me a book on happiness (which I haven't read yet, I'm sorry to say, Henry!). I think he was trying to tell me something. He probably thought I was unhappy. Which sometimes I was, but following that period was the best time in my life thus far. Best time being the most intensely happy, though there were other periods of being steadily happy which can be just as good. I remember Yonina telling us once about the best year of her life, when she was working in New York, and I can't remember her explanation for why. I got so caught up in the feeling of it, the steady contentment. I find it difficult to read about happiness in a book, though obviously I find it in writings; I guess it's the idea of speaking about it directly, because it's such a textured thing and doesn't seem to stand alone but is instead buried deep in other things.

The passage from King Lear arose in my mind again after a surge of chats about happiness, and also paying attention to why I've been really happy to be back in California after my trip in January, much differently than when I came home post-Cambridge. If I had to choose a thread, it would be the unnecessary. In college my happiness was different than now and I was somewhat minimalist. When it came time for senior sales I realized I had nothing to sell, because I had nothing in my room beyond our Harvard-issued furniture and all of my things fit into six storage boxes and a suitcase. It's not that now material things are more significant in their own right; I'm still as materialistic as your average person. Only that the unnecessary carries certain feelings, like a sense of permanence in temporary places, growth, being young and inexperienced and idealistic, faith that things will work out and you can take them slowly, a lot that I can't articulate.

I like having and doing things that I don't need to have and do. I like making side dishes and having vegetables with dinner even though my brothers only care about the primary meaty food. I'm relishing making new recipes because the joy of eating good food is the pleasure of making a fundamental need more than fundamental. It makes me happy to have fruits on our table in the wooden bowl I got for Christmas that I would never buy for myself, and to have snacks in our cabinets. I appreciate decorations and photo frames and candles and vases, and moving books from my room at home to my apartment even though I've already read them. I love having time for movies, and stories in them that aren't mine but become mine. I'm especially happy for the luxury of music, which has become more clearly the substitute for and substance of much in my life. It's there when I'm driving, cooking, doing nothing.

It's not a new thought to think about bare survival versus a full life, but I suppose what I mean is aside from the big things that provide personal fulfillment beyond what you literally need, like your job and friends and family, all these other things are purely for you. People need that.

new york

*I might add photos later if I’m not too lazy, but for now most are on facebook !

Second trip back to the East was wonderfully crazy. Ten days, winter frenzy, place to place travel, changing environments, roomie reunion, a whole lot of New York and a dash of Philly—whew. I’ve visited NY more than any other city, but each time it feels as big as the last. Coming back to a place allows the luxury of exploring its lesser known corners.

I flew in Thursday and stayed with Damani in a small room that had Harvard-like furniture. I watched hours of television, which I admit was a treat because I don’t have TV at my apartment. I liked getting a feel for Washington Heights, which is not as bad an area as people say. NY has so many distinct neighborhoods, and even those with bad reputations have a lot of character. And it seems so West-Side-Story, how things can be divided by street (the better and not so good sides of Broadway, for example). Sometimes it feels that everyone’s on top of each other in the city without really touching, and other times you’re all too close.

On Friday night I trekked to Brooklyn to Melkis’s homey apartment. It took me three subway lines to get there, and her place is a bit of a hike from the train. I was so hot from being underground that the cold felt nice, and as I walked it started lightly snowing. My first snow since I’ve left the East! It was so quiet in her neighborhood, and I passed a large park and a small grocery store and a church. It was quite nice to see her again and especially to see her situated comfortably in a new home. George gave me a hug too. Haha. We went to Times Square to meet Amy, Courtney and Chris (yes, Chris! you hermit) for dinner at the Stardust Diner. I love diners, and the East definitely beats us in number and variety of diners. This was a 50s style place with employees who continually belted out songs. We sang along to We Go Together, and Amy poured some sugar on a guy crooning Sugar Sugar. Chris was taken to the front of the restaurant and serenaded by a woman named Leah...I remember her name because she sang “I’ll Be There” and when she sang “just call my name” Chris would yell “Leah!” It was a relief to slide into that cocoon of laughter and lightheartedness. I’ve missed you all so.

We stopped by the MoMA to see Sleepwalkers (an outdoor exhibit featuring faces of people in the city on screens on the museum’s walls). It was a little surreal, to be people in the city observing this representation of other people in the city. It was refreshing to be roaming the streets so freely. After that we went to a happy hour where we had $6 martinis in a variety of flavors (lychee, white peach, red berry, mango). I got warm and flushed, and had a nice conversation with Chris—it’s been so long since we’ve talked! Then we bid farewell to the boys and went to the China Club...it wasn’t too crowded because we made sure to get there before 11 to get our free drink ticket. It was a really fun place, with a lot of people but not enough so where I felt suffocated. And apparently it’s a pretty famous club, but I didn’t know that until afterwards. In case you were curious, the only thing in the place that remotely alluded to its name were a couple haphazard round lanterns. So nice to dance with the girls again! There were some funny encounters, but my favorite was when the endearingly nerdy boy that Amy and Melkis befriended defended our honor by shoving an overly pushy guy away from the circle. That must’ve made his night. We were all exhausted after a few hours, and we could barely make it out....we had to stop at McDonald’s to sit down and get water, and we were falling asleep at the table. Haha, we’re so old.

We slept in and had brunch at Enid’s, a corner restaurant near Melkis’s place. Kristina, one subway stop away in Brooklyn, joined us, and she got along really well with everyone. Enid’s, as Amy said, is a gem. The decor is subtly funky and bright, there’s a photobooth (it was broken) and delicious free coffee. Brunch is such a cozy meal, and a lovely way to spend a couple of hours indoors after shedding winter layers. Afterwards we walked to Bedford Ave, an area of Brooklyn with quaint shops, vintage stores and the like. Some of us bought $20 jeans at Brooklyn Industries (what an ordeal to get my boots and thermals off to try them on) and we all compared the ridiculous prices we found in some of the stores. I liked the Tibet Boutique, and the mini-mini-store. After walking around in the cold, we gravitated to Max Brenner’s for warm desserts. It was packed so the wait was forever and the service not great (except for our cute waiter for whom Amy wrote a compliment on our receipt), and the place overall was a bit overrated. But, it was a novelty to have chocolate pizza! And fondue, and a delicious asparagus waffle. It was one of those places that was definitely all about the allure of trendy, cute packaging. But like brunch, it was a good meal—a dessert dinner, this time just girls chatting, wondering how boys talk when they’re alone. With the stroke of an acronym (HB) Kristina became acquainted with the lovable humor that lies beneath Amy’s innocence. After lots of sugar, we went on a happy hour crawl that became unintentionally Asian-themed. The first place was our favorite, Hedeh, an understated Japanese bar with a lot of open space, each sake bottle basking in its own compartment in shelves built into walls and a wide area between the bar and small, high tables. Amy had the sake sangria, Courtney a (raspberry?) margarita and me a sake mojito. Delicious! The edamame was a highlight; we were hungry from having had only mostly dessert, and the light salt on them complemented all that sugar, and they were warm. Winter really kicked in while I was there, and I relished anything warm.

After that we headed to the Asian Pub, whose name was affirmed by the cheap food (a mix of everything: dumplings, sushi, pad thai) and colored lights. We had more edamame (this one peppery and not as good as Hedeh’s…but free!), and chatted some more (I learned of Amy’s Duke adventure, which I still can’t believe I didn’t know about!). Courtney headed back to Jersey, while Amy and I stopped by the Orchid Lounge. We couldn’t find seats and were disturbed by the photos of random Asian people on the walls, and how the bathroom walls were papered in random Chinese ads (we knew orchids = Asian!), so we went to a nearby bar instead. We sat and talked for awhile. I miss our talks, and how natural it was to share—to fret, vent, muse. I think we stayed for a long time to avoid going back into the cold.

On Sunday our attempt to have high tea at Alice’s Tea Cup failed (a two hour wait?!) but the day was one of my favorites. We went to the Cloisters, a branch of the Met, in upper upper Manhattan. We had to walk through Fort Tyron Park from the subway to there, and it was cold and gray and the water was still. It was a beautiful cove of the city, far from the bustle of downtown, and so very quiet. I’m not much into medieval art, but the architecture was refreshing, of the kind that really takes you into its arms and keeps you with it. A lot of old architectural elements were built right into the museum, so that the museum itself was a part of the past. The man at the coat check told us that we needed to visit it four times a year: fall, winter, spring, summer. I’m sure it’s gorgeous when warm, with the greenery abloom in the garden and sun through the windows. But I liked seeing it first in the winter; the somber feel seemed to suit its remote location. I really loved it, the idea and the place too.

We caught a bus outside the museum and took that all the way to 5th Avenue (a hundred or more blocks?), which took absolutely forever, but gave us a unique way of seeing the city. It was nice not to be underground while traversing the city, and the scenery changed so swiftly at times. We took the bus to FAO Schwartz, which wasn’t open the last time I tried going there. I told the girls how I’ve always wanted to find the huge piano from BIG, and so we kept straining our ears for piano keys. And they had it on the top floor! We tossed our shoes aside and jumped all around on it, and then stayed to see the professional piano players play Chopsticks, Heart & Soul and Fur Elise. What an unexpected check off my list of things to do.

That night we had a home-cooked meal of spaghetti and rolls at M’s apartment, and indulged girliness as we watched Love-Wrecked (“Marooned…like the color?”) and Beauty & the Geek. After this perfect weekend, it was a week of interviews and staying at a different place each night. You never know what to expect when staying at a stranger’s place, and each school presented different atmospheres, comforts and discomforts. Even though it was tiresome, I relished being able to get from place to place, figuring out where to transfer trains and navigating by walking. It’s so satisfying when your itinerary goes as planned. Public transportation makes me feel good because I generally know where I’m going, which, as most of you know, is not my normal state.

Aside from getting around Manhattan, Brooklyn & Queens, my proudest feat was getting to and from Philly, which is an awesome city. Someone described it as scrappy, and I found it fitting. It’s a walkable city, and I walked with my host from school to Center City/downtown, a 25 minute walk, and then from her apartment to Chinatown, about 15 blocks. So I got a small feel for its streets, and found it to be nicely organized (good for the directionless). The downtown was a surprise: quite beautiful, modern with the old historic feel in the backdrop. Lots of restaurants, bars and cafes, and I hear the food is really great. UPenn is an absolutely gorgeous campus, and again, though it gets a bad rep, I like how it’s in the middle of West Philly, and even more that the school seems very integrated into the community rather than set aside from it. Anyway, it only took a day to fall in love with Philadelphia, its rough edges, intimacy, unabashed acceptance of itself. Sometimes I think I give my love too easily, because there aren’t many big cities that I don’t like. I don’t love LA but it still has its charms. Whatever…I don’t think it makes what I feel for each individual place less significant.

After getting back from Philly I stayed with Kristina at her new apartment. Another highlight! She just moved into her place so she was still setting up, but she went out of her way to make me comfortable, getting things for me even as she hadn’t provided for herself yet. We went to a little Dominican place for dinner, where I made the mistake of ordering bread pudding (is bread pudding not pudding?), and I finally met Wayland. Quite a nice boy Kristina has =) Back at her place, Kristina shared her bed a la junior high sleepover and we stayed up very very late talking. We’ve kept up with the concrete events of our lives over the past years, but that night we caught up in a different sense—learning about how each of us has grown, how we perceive and feel about a lot of those Big Things, boys careers people. I think we learned a lot about each other. One of the things I was most struck by, was her comment that over the eight/nine years we’d known each other, she’d never seen me “like this.” She explained that I’d always seemed certain, of how I was and what I wanted, and that this was the first time I seemed to be unsure. That surprised me a little, because I’m as uncertain as the next person and probably more so, sometimes. I guess that it’s easy to unconsciously give off that air of confidence because it makes you feel less scared. I think it’s brave of people to admit when they’re unhappy with things, or when they’ve made bad choices, or when they’re a little lost. Maybe in the past I’ve kept these things to myself because I usually end up feeling that things will work out and I prefer to communicate once I’ve gotten to that point. Recently it’s been harder to say that about things, especially when it comes to things involving other people. When it was just me, I feel like I have the capacity to make changes if things go wrong, to deal with my own mistakes and decisions. With other people, things suddenly become more fragile. Hence the higher degree of uncertainty, and probably why I shared it and why Kristina detected it. It’s kind of a scary thing to see in yourself, but it’s also a step forward, I think.

Aside from seeing Brooklyn, I got to see more of the Upper East Side, another distinct part of the city. It definitely is a big chunk of NY, with Museum Mile and Central Park and all of that. Then I saw Queens for the first time, to stay with Amy. I did enjoy the 7 train; it was my first above-ground in New York, and the bit I saw of Queens (Woodside) was really nice. Things were smaller, and the way the stores were compact and right next to each other reminded me of Chinatown and SF.

For our second roomie weekend, we took advantage of Restaurant Week to get a three-course meal at Mesa Grill. Even though the meal wasn’t as good as you might expect for the price (though we paid a lot less due to the Restaurant Week fare), I was so glad to be done (all done!) with interviews and readying for another weekend. Relaxing into a meal is the best feeling. Afterwards we saw Freedom Writers, so the whole evening was reminiscent of dinner + movie outings of past, nothing unusual. Which was nice, because it was just hanging out rather than a thing-to-do-during-vacation.

But the next day was definitely a thing-to-do-during-vacation. Atlantic City was an absolute blast. It was the four of us from A-47 so we joked about it being like Sex & the City. I was glad that things worked out with our bus (yay again for logistical success). I hope that I get to see nicer parts of Jersey someday, because really, the scenes from our bus consisted of flat nothing, and not pretty-desert-flat-nothing but just, wow, really nothing. Atlantic City exudes sketchiness, but it was much warmer there than in NY, so it was great to walk along the Boardwalk. We didn’t plan too much before getting there, so we just grabbed some maps and worked our way around. The first thing we did was to eat at the Hilton Buffet. After that we trekked our way over to the outlets. I shopped a lot during this trip, a combination of not shopping a lot in general, no tax on clothing!, and the plethora of nice, cheap items. Amy and I got $30 knee-high suede boots at Nine West, probably my most exciting find. Usually I get so tired out by shopping that it’s not much fun, but this time I was energized by being with three other girls ready to seek bargains and offer opinions. Thank you for waiting for me when I took forever with my layers in the fitting room.

After that we had a quick dinner at McDonald’s (dollar menu!) before heading to the casinos. Haha, we really did our best to gamble the absolute minimal amount—playing at the penny slots and cashing in after our $5 had gotten up to 6 or 7. We basically were sitting around looking like we were gambling so that we could get our free drinks. Which took a hell of a long time! There weren’t as many waitresses as you’d expect. We would enter a place and hunt them down. We had the silly idea to collect a cup from each of the casinos we were going to (Caesar’s, Bally’s, Tropicana, Hilton) but we only managed to get two out of four. We missed Hilton because they were so crowded they never came to us for drinks, and Tropicana because they served only regular plastic cups without any logo. The drinks were really weak, but we had a lot of fun anyway.

After we made our rounds, we headed to 40/40, Jay-Z’s club. Haha, the security hated us for having huge shopping bags that they had to search. Melkis’s apology: “We went to the outlets. We’re not from here!” It was a really nice place, very large with interesting décor and a lot of side/upper areas for reserved parties. We were definitely the only people there who weren’t black. It was pretty amusing, given how diverse the four of us are, and we kept hoping we weren’t going to get hurt for being the minorities. Once we got past that, it was actually really fun. The music was good, they played Mase! And the people there really danced. A few of them also really did other things, haha. Such craziness. The night ended a little unpleasantly, and it was rough taking the 3:30 AM bus back to NY and not getting into bed until 7, but it later became just a part of the whole experience of a long night out. As Amy said, it was the wackiest night ever.

Given the amount of money we saved with the incredible deals at the outlets, the fact that our $35 bus ticket included a $5 voucher to the buffet and $22 to gamble which we cashed and put into our wallets instead of gambling, and 40/40 had no cover charge…we determined that we actually made money on this day trip. =)

So yes, my trip as a whole was indulgence in things substantial and superficial: in New York, friends, food & drinks, apartments, schools, outings, conversations, clothes, nights, girliness. It was fantastic.